THE JORNAL

PERSONAL DATA

NAME: UGO IGWE

DOB: 10|10|1993

EDUCATIONAL BACKGROUND: STUDENT

HOBBIES: WRITTING

            The above information, are my personal data. All my life, I had always had a reason not to love who I am. Somehow, somewhere along the line, the big man up above finally looked down below at me. Up until now, I didn’t fully understand what grace was all about. Grace is an unmerited favour from God. This was basically all I understood grace to be. They say you never know the value of something until you lose it. My life up to this point has been a function of God’s grace right up till now, where it all ended.

Or so I’m making myself believe. It had always seemed as if nothing ever came easy for me. I always had to struggle for everything that resembled success or a break through. It always happened that no matter how hard I worked in school, I just never was the best. I always came close but never was the very best. This one time, I was chosen from my entire set in primary school alongside another peer to represent the school in a writing competition. With the little time we had, I’m sure I gave it my best shot. We gave it our best shot. Normally, when two or more persons are representing a school, awards are awarded to the ‘representatives’ on behalf of the school.  Words had come that my school came tops. With that “normal” idea, I invited my mother to come to the price giving ceremony who of course in turn had told whosoever her eyes could find that her baby was receiving an award. To my biggest shock, when the award was to be given, only my peer was called up. Did I fail? Was I the worse at the competition? How do I face my mother? All these questions flooded my head as I shamefully left the event.

            In my primary school, grades and positions was given based on overall in the whole set. Your class teacher could show you your position based on your class, but the records with the school was based on overall position in a set. I really can’t recall ever seriously studying for any exam but in class, I did very well. A function I believe of God’s grace. I was 2^nd position in my class from back as I can remember up till my last year in primary school where I came 3^rd. Again I came close but never was the 1^st. I left the three of my best friends Nwanchukwu, Joshua and Sunday in primary school when I skipped a class because both of my parents were no longer in the state working, Sunday was the peer I wrote the exam with, Nwanchukwu was my bestie who came tops just before me and Joshua came third after me. We all were very good friends. I resumed my secondary school with the ego from my ‘nearly pasted glory’. As at my first term result in secondary school, I was somewhere around the 20^th position in the class of about 50 students. It then doned on me that I no longer was in primary school and from then, that grace somehow started to drop. I don’t know and can’t remember if I had made any silly ignorant prayers that had led to the decrease in God’s grace in my life at the time. Not until now that I look back, I never saw all of these things the way I see them now.

            From my KG days, I somehow was always the class prefects of all my classes. Getting to secondary school, I was nominated and I won. I was loved then. That same year, I got involved in a love letter scandal as it were then. Though I didn’t know anything about it, it was as though I was carrying the budden alone. When we resumed the second year, by default, I was the class prefect. I remember faintly by the resumption of the last term of the second year, I couldn’t carry on my duties properly. I was asked if I wanted to drop the position and I ‘wrongly’ said yes and a new prefect was elected. That right there marked the end of my leadership up to this point. When I took that step, I remember having a very strong feeling that I shouldn’t have. Knowing what I know now, I’m guessing that was God speaking. Now I know that even in all I seemed to be going through, God was there right by me through it all and his grace was right by me as well. When we resumed the third year, an election was conducted again and I was nominated but this time it wasn’t a mass nomination like I always had. The election was conducted and I lost properly. The guy who was made class prefect then was nothing near who I was. I was more responsible, more intelligent and every other thing you can think of. Again, looking back now, knowing all I know now, God was speaking. God doesn’t only speak audibly. He speaks thru events, the bible, through dreams and a host of other ways through which God speaks.

            Somehow, maybe I realise at that point what was going on or maybe God was giving me one last chance I don’t know but in my 3^rd year, I rose again a bit. I wasn’t tops overall but I was d only boy in first 10. I was 5^th and in my junior W.A.E.C, the same thing. I was virtually the only boy or one of the very few boys who topped then. But, that was d end again. My first year in senior secondary school, marked the beginning of the end of my life literally. If a time travel machine existed, I would go straight Back to 2006 and correct every mistake that needs to be corrected. All the pain I carry till now, I dragged from 2006

             Somehow, I couldn’t play football. Growing up in my primary school days, my dad was home a lot and as the policing dad, we weren’t allowed to play with what wasn’t ours. We were trained to be contented with what we had. I got my very own football at about age 6 if I am not mistaken. I was so excited because I had been asking for one for awhile. My football had a life span of roughly 1 hour. We had grape trees at our back yard; A number of them. Grape trees if u haven’t seen one grow with thorns around them. Our neighbour who we had invited over to play with us had launched the ball with one powerful shot into one of the grape trees by mistake. I was bitter. We tried patching it up but it just wasn’t going to come back to life. That was the end of my life with football.

             At the time, you couldn’t or do not play football wasn’t an issue. But as at 2006, boy you had a big problem. I couldn’t keep my male mates as friends because in a little bit they would dive back into the football conversation. I avoided that as much as I could. I found companion in a female pal who was at the time tagged my bestie. Little did I know I was doing myself more harm than good.  As at my graduating year which was in 2009, I had no friends at all and didn’t even know I had no friends. All I Had was ma female pal and one male pal. They were my everything. She was my everything. I couldn’t do anything without her. We went to the lab together, kept seat for each other, talked constantly non-stop without running out on what to say, we thought alike, talked alike, she completed me. A whole lot of event unfolded that year revealing the cause of their hatred for me even up to this day. At least the few who haven’t had the opportunity to know me properly yet. As each day came by, I just couldn’t wait to be done with my secondary school days. I badly needed a new start.

            I missed  that admission year because I didn’t have my mathematics and I failed my post UME examination. The next year, I went to a state university to do a pre-degree program which was to run for a period of 6 months.  I packed my things and was so happy to be leaving town. It was my first time out of town alone. In a couple of weeks, months maybe, I got my own place with a roommate and was ready to start life as a student.

            Relocating somewhere for the first time, the very first thing you should do is announce your identity in Christ. This was the instruction I was given and failed to adhere to. Between 2006 and this point,2011,I had somehow been filled with the holy spirit, evident in speaking in tongues, lost the gift, preached the gospel, accepted Jesus as lord and personal saviour, and all of those things. One of the major things on my mind going to school, was to by my power, humanly correct everything I saw as a flaw causing my lack of friends. I then started seeing myself as not good enough, not dope enough, not man enough, not stylish enough and a lot of other things. My first few week at my new hostel was beginning to look just like my secondary school days which was my biggest fear at the time. The boys weren’t talking to me because I spoke English. They told me that they weren’t wooing me so why should they have a conversation with me in English when I was suppose to speak pidgin English with them. It wasn’t how I was brought up. We spoke English in my house and no one eve r had a problem with that where I was coming from. It was going to be a very enormous task for me. I was never used to “bros I hail o”. Or “guy, how far na?” it was “well done”, “good morning”,” how are you”. These were what I was used to. I soon started making conscience effort to correct this because I was already seeing it as a flaw. Nothing I did was ever good enough. I soon was living a lone life. I had to work on that too. I started by attending inter and intra hostel parties. Then I started drinking and was so close to smoking weed. After a while, the issue was now my unseriousness in school. They now weren’t complaining about my lack of socialisation but of my over socialisation because I wanted to attend any other party that came along. In all this, my identity in Christ was hidden. I sometime tried to play both roles together but ye cant serve two masters. Soon after came immorality. Pornography became the order of the day. Then, watching porn was like guys watching the EPL or ladies watching Nigerian movies. The speakers were on their loudest volume, the room was full to capacity, it was as though it was nothing wrong. Were there times I saw all these as wrong? Yes. But was I doing anything about it? No. Were there times I felt high in the spirit and worshiped God? Yes. But was I truly living a Christian life? No.

            The six months went by quickly. Luckily, I passed all my exams and had two admissions staring at me. It was either I stayed back to study microbiology or return home to study physiology. I of cause choose physiology. Plus the fact that it was a federal university. I made a vow to God to serve him if he granted me my admission. Now he had done his part. The ball was now in my court to keep my part of the bargain. I became worse in my first year in the university and soon forgot the bargain i had with God. It was at this point I am sure, that God looked away and let me live the life I wanted to live since I had countless time shorned him away. At this point, I fell short of whatsoever grace was left keeping me. My whole world started to crumble. Life without Jesus is like a doughnut with a big hole in the middle. Nothing seemed to fill that hole in me. My grades were as horrible as you can imagine. I started living a false life. Wanting to hide every horrible detail of my life. Everything just went from bad to worse. For some years before now, I had enjoyed constant good health. Up to the very little ill health issues like stoling, cough, catarrh that I hadn’t experienced in years, all came flooding back all at once.  As at this point I was already in my 2^nd year in school. Nothing was working for me. Everything I placed my hand to do just didn’t do well. Failure was staring me in the face. I knew I had to run back to God for help but up till now don’t know how to. It’s more than the simple prayer of lord I’m sorry. The point where I was, every repentance was for the now. Sin away came right back.

            This is not one of those articles you read and at the end of it, the author now tells you of some miraculous wonder that brought him out of all his misery. This is the journal of a struggling Christian boy. My story cuts across virtually every person who would come across it in one way or the other. You just might not have gotten to the point where you totally loose Gods grace in your life. Now is the time. Take it from me because I should understand best. All this, what we call fun, really isn’t. I have experienced life in the world. It was wonderful. Truthfully.  I have also experienced life in Christ. It is most wonderful. It is beautiful. The peace you find in Christ is compared to nothing else. I’m not a preacher. If God were to come right now, I probably would be in hell. But it doesn’t mean I don’t know what’s right from what’s wrong. We all do and we know it. What’s stopping you? This is not one of those articles where you see a little prayer of salvation. No. That’s for you to do. It’s between you and God. But choose ye this day who ye will follow before it is too late. It is better to have ½ than to have 0/2 I. e its either you want to live your life here on earth to the fullest as people would say and tell yourself that its hell you want to go to and know at least you enjoyed your stay on earth than to fake your Christianity here on earth, depriving yourself of earthly pleasures and still not making heaven. That is 0/2. You can as well , make a 2/2. Serve God truthfully here on  earth and live a peace full life filled with God’s blessings and in the end, make heaven. That’s a 2/2. It’s the score every believer should strive to attain.

           Again, I am not a preacher. I am just someone’s child just like you who has seen a lot and this is my journal.