ASKED TO PROBATE

          One year ago, i was seating on this bench, in a teenage meeting at my church. I was thanking God for grace and strength to read, and for a successful completion of my 2nd year in the university. One year after, i am seating on that very same bench and spot in the same teenage meeting at my church, not sure how or whether to thank God for the completion, hopefully successful, of my 2nd year...AGAIN!

          It was suppose to be a very beautiful Friday evening. I was torn out of my skin with excitement, anticipating my result. I had for the first time in years honestly worked hard. Good grades were the sure reward. My uncle had taken my matriculation number with him to the office everyday for the past two days but had forgotten each time to check my grades. He was on the board of deans seating for result compilation. I was certain he wouldn’t forget that day.
          I over heard him ask after me. Barely through with bathing, i rushed out in anticipation to meet him. With so much eagerness in my eyes, i asked him about my result. The look on his face clearly didn’t correlate with that on my face. Something was wrong but i couldn’t place what it was. Maybe a bad day at the office i presumed.
          He started by asking me if I shared the same surname with anyone in my class.
          “Yes sir”, I replied, with so much confusion in my voice.
          “Okay, maybe it’s an error”, he muttered slipping a piece of paper into my hand.
          As I opened it up, I heard him say, with a voice packed with emotions I can’t describe, “You have been asked to probate your class”. In just seconds, I felt the fear creep in, accompanied by shock and rage. Prior to that day,I had never experienced that amount of mixed feelings before.
          “It’s not possible!”, I screamed, looking at the piece of paper to confirm what courses I had failed. “all of my second semester courses? How does that even make sense?” I asked, as though I was expecting a reply.
          “Maybe it’s your photography”, he suggested. “I would break that camera”, he added.
          What part of “it’s not possible” didn’t this man understand? All I needed to do at that time was punch something. The rest of the conversation quickly ended, with him advising me to wait till the official result was out on the board before we make any move if need be. My world had come to a halt. Every colour was literally gone. I felt my limbs go weak as I walked back to the boy’s quarters of the flat.

                                                                                       
Friday night was usually scrabble night. There sure wasn’t going to be a scrabble night for me. I signalled my roommate out of the room from the other boys, who had come for scrabble night to the side of the boy’s quarters and broke the news to him. He was quite certain that it couldn’t be possible. I went back with him inside, picked a few things and moved into a vacant room in the main house.
          The night went by slowly and so did the days prior to the official release of the result. Those were the longest five days of my life. I had GOD IS ABLE by SMOKIE NORFUL on steady replay. It was the one song that gave me a glimpse of hope.

          Early Wednesday morning the result was pasted. I got to the faculty towards noon. It was the same on the board. I returned home, informed my mother and uncle. Later that afternoon, I got a call from my course adviser to see him at his office. It was there at his office that reality struck, he told me my files were being transferred to the course adviser for the new class. I tried to be strong. I really did.
          Evening that day, I went to the bus stop to take a bus to basement where bible study was to hold. Seating beside me at the front of the bus was a ‘leader’ in my fellowship, who also happened to be my class mate ( He had heard of my result by then). Seating next to him was the biggest mistake I made that day. Rather than give me words of encouragement, he blabbed about how ‘bad’ (awesome) his result was. How he should have gotten more B’s and A’s. With all these experiences, I stepped into service with a heavy heart. The instruments were loudest that day and the praise session was very long. Or so I thought. The atmosphere was jiving. Mostly because a lot of people had seen their results and were probably blown away. Except for me of cause. I couldn’t get myself to even clap. Tears literally rolled down my face all through the service, I took solace in God’s word through the speaker  that said “DRY BONES SHALL LIVE AGAIN”. I knew I wasn’t going through all that pain for nothing. God had a grand plan. He had better bring beauty from my pain.

          Life from that day went from bad to worse. I was going crazy. How was it possible that of all persons I was the one that had to repeat a class. Worse of, after all my hard work. I remember that I came out of a lot exam halls certain that I was going to score an A; what then went wrong?
          As the new session went by, I tried to find answers. From possibility of machine errors during marking, to negative marking. My trying to unravel what went wrong only got me deeply depressed. I wasn’t attending classes. I tried alcohol, smoking, pills, music, anything to calm me down when I felt I was losing it. I even convinced myself that maybe it was because of my love for God. Maybe I was the Job of my time.

          On one of the terrible nights, I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t bear the shame. How could God turn his back on me? My lips quivered uncontrollably as I cried. So I opened my laptop and started to type all I wanted to say to God. These are the exact words I typed. Unedited:

Im trying not nto hate you. But u are making it even harder for me. Why do i have to go thru so much pain and sorrow all cos of a greater good like you say. At least help me un derstnd. Say somthing!!!!!! Pls....i have begged, i have prayed, i have belived..yet nothing. If u hate me so much asd nt to speak to me then pls bring someone.. i jst need to offload all this pain in my heart. It too much for me. It has destroyed ,me. Ghelp me!!! Help ,me lord....i have no pone but it doestnt even seem as tho u r close.. i know they sey u r c,ose in times like this but jst give me a sign..a sign to know u r in deed close. I have no more fight in me..

          I waited for that big voice to give me a reply but didn’t hear any. It made me more furious.

          They say time heals all things. If I didn’t believe, now I do. All of my problems, and my crumbled walls put together didn’t change one simple fact. That God remains God. It took me a semester and half to realise this. To me, it was an enormous challenge. Also the worst thing that has ever happened to me. My experience has been a perfect illustration of when things go wrong,to the point where it seems like God doesn’t make sense. People have been through worse and have held on .While some easily give in to the challenges. My experiences this past year has taught me that no matter what we may encounter in life, it can only last for awhile. All we have to do is to find strength to hold on, because the tough times won't last forever. It’s what you make out of it that matters. Friends will  surely turn their back on you. I should know. Worry not. There is that one true friend who can give you peace and hold your hand through the storm, Jesus.
          My biggest testimony is that I DID NOT COMPROMISE. I did not because of the fear of failing for a second time, cheat or talk in the exam hall. I sure have done my part yet again by studying but If I fail, I fail. My destiny is not tied to a university degree. (The blessing is not in the place but with the person)

          I may not fully understand why God let me walk through this place, or what he has in store for me, but one thing I do know for sure is that I have  learnt a lot from this experience. Enough to know that a challenge is not worth shaking my faith. If you stay put, hang in there and just blindly believe God, he won’t let you down.

Remember, “Tough times don’t last but tough people do”.


A very big thank you to all those who stood by me. I won’t mention names because they are too many to mention, but the one name I must not fail to mention is the Ogboghodos. God bless that family.

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